I call dibs on the rights to this idea
Last night I had a dream that Khan (as played by Benedict Cumberbatch) INCEPTIONED Captain Kirk.
It was the Best. Nerdiest. Most Nerd-Tastic. Dream. Ever.
Best laid plans…
Remember that time I had that great idea to go stand up paddle boarding? The weather forecasted sunny and hot and I thought, What better way to spend my afternoon than relaxing on Town Lake on a stand up paddle board. See, the thing I love about stand up paddle boarding is its cool factor. It’s the kind of activity that gives the illusion of being active (but isn’t), giving me credit for being one of those cool, active people who cares about the kind of physical shape I’m in, but I mostly end up relaxing and working on my suntan.
Only today there were hurricane-like winds on Town Lake and in .4 seconds of getting on my board, I was blown down past Mopac. Then the gale force winds blew off my hat and when I squatted down to pull it out of the water, I was blown EVEN FURTHER down the lake and I couldn’t seem to turn my board around and I was all, THE FUCK!
Because as it turns out, stand up paddle boarding in high winds can be a CRAP TON of work! My arms are jello, I almost puked all over the dock from shocking my body into doing physical work and now I am wallowing in my exhaustion and deciding that next time I think that going stand up paddle boarding is a great idea, I’m going to go sip margaritas on a patio instead. I am super great at sipping margaritas in ALL kinds of weather!
Period. (because my most popular posts are always about vaginas)
Last week I received an email saying, “Please have a girls lunch to discuss periods and feminine hygiene.There’s a video online.”
Nothing says awkward like teaching a bunch of fifth grade girls about being on the rag, so I decided to make the best of it. I brought in a giant picnic blanket and a bag of chocolates. I played some super girlie music (after making a Sarah McLauchlin joke that no one got) and in my best Oprah voice said, “Well girls, it’s time to talk about PE-RI-ODS!!!”
Then we spent the next hour sitting on the floor discussing great Aunt Flow. I showed them the animated and very scientific video that showed our lady organs and what they’re up to once a month. I told them about getting my first period (which I sort of made up because I don’t actually remember my first one) and I told embarrassing stories like the time I woke up and discovered I had leaked all over my bed in the middle of the night, and the many hours and ENTIRE box of tampons that it took for me to finally figure those out. I answered questions of all kinds including,
“Miss G, what if I’m swimming and I start my period?”
Then you go to the bathroom and take care of business. You will not suddenly be swimming in a giant pool of your own blood. That’s not how it works. I promise. (there were a lot of audible sighs of relief).
“Do boys get periods?”
No, and once a month you’re allowed to hate them a little bit for that.
“Why do girls get moody during their periods?”
It has to do with our hormones. It could also have to do with the fact that we’re spending an entire week bleeding from a hole in our body, cramping and feeling extra tired and that seems pretty worthy of a little moodiness to me. But the official, scientific answer is hormones.
“Do boys have ovaries?”
Nope, they have their own parts, but none of theirs bleed once a month so again, you’re allowed to hate them once a month (but only a little bit).
“What if I’m out with my dad in public and I get my period, what do I do?”
Even though boys are super grossed out by periods and can get CRAZY uncomfortable, they will do whatever they can to get you what you need. Don’t be embarrassed. And if worse comes to worse, walk into the ladies room and say, “Excuse me, I just started my period and I’m with my dad, can anyone help me out?” because you know what girls? We ALL go through this. Every single one of us and we’ve all got each other’s backs.
It was such an empowering lunch. I was so impressed with their questions, even the silly ones and how they listened eagerly to each other’s questions and my answers. I was so glad they felt safe enough to ask these questions and by the end I was feeling like super woman because hell yes, we ARE all in this together. It was all very “I am woman, hear me roar.”
Monday Night Confessions
Helpful Baker: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like…let’s see… Three, no four of those large red velvet cupcakes.
Helpful Baker: Are you sure you wouldn’t just like to get the small red velvet cake?
Me: I considered that possibility but these four large cupcakes are all for me to probably eat in one sitting and I think it would be a bit more embarrassing to eat an ENTIRE cake by myself than some cupcakes.
Helpful Baker: Good point. But who would know?
Me: Well, my self-esteem, of course.
Helpful Baker: Of course.
Me: And possibly a friend if I have to call her in the middle of the night because I have gone into diabetic shock from eating four giant cupcakes. I mean, if I had to say, “It’s because I ate an ENTIRE CAKE!” she would reprimand me. But if I was all, “I don’t understand how this happened! I just ate a few cupcakes!” well, anyone would empathize with that!.
Helpful Baker: You’ve really thought this through.
Me: Always.
I’m Sure Turkey Testicles Are a Delicacy Somewhere…
This afternoon I ran into a fellow long-term sub who started her most recent gig about the same time I did. “I tell you what,” she said under her breath to me, “I’m working a hell of a lot harder than I ever worked when I taught full time with my own classroom.” Being a long-term sub is a lot like cooking in someone else’s kitchen. They haven’t arranged it the way you would so everything takes twice as long to find. And as if that wasn’t enough, they’ve assigned you to make all kinds of dishes for super picky eaters without bothering to leave you any of the recipes.
This sounds like a weird show on cable that might also star people who might vaguely be considered celebrities but it is my current reality and makes for terrible creativity for blogging. Also adventuring.
It DOES, however, mean that I sometimes get catalogues full of things that I can order to dissect, or maybe to eat for lunch. It’s not really specific, but does seem reasonably priced…for either.
Sometimes Wishes Come True
A few months ago I decided to settle in Austin for a while. I thought, I kinda like it here, perhaps I’ll give this whole, ‘being a Texan’ thing a real shot, and with that, I was no longer a visiter, but a resident. Everything changed. The mere declaration of permanence sprouted roots from the soles of my new Texas boots into this drought-ridden, Lone Star land.
These roots feel good. I have for so long felt unsettled. I felt unsettled in NY because I so desperately wanted to leave, and I felt unsettled here in Texas because I thought it was only a brief stop on my journey. My jobs have reflected this unsettledness as I’ve bounced around from school to school as a substitute teacher. I felt like that Colin Hay song, “Waiting for my real life to begin.”
And then I won the lottery!! Well, the dream job lottery at least. Next year I will be teaching fourth grade (my favorite) at my adorable and delightful neighborhood school. I will walk to work every morning and give back to this community that has so welcomed me in. It is the most perfect and wonderful dream come true! My real (professional) life is about to begin!!
Oh, and because I am a Texan now, I took obligatory Blue Bonnet photos of Cooper. Obviously.
Digital SXSW Diary: SXSW: As told in instagrams, quotes, texts and notes I took on my cell phone.
Me: “Max, what do you want to order?’
Max: “I’ll have the veggie burger with bacon.”
(text from unnamed friend): “be there in 30 min. I may have just pooed my pants”
Me: “On a scale of book worm to Kesha brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, how drunk are you right now?”
In addition to burning through his cell battery with his excessive use of the Grindr app, another friend took to re-writing song lyrics at each show to include the word “Grinding.” The following example comes from The Zombies show.
“What’s your name? Who’s your daddy” (‘I don’t even have to re-write these lyrics!’)…
…”It’s the tiiiimmme of the season for Griiiiiiiiinnnnding!!!”
Max: “Wait, who’s Grumpy Cat?
Me: “Seriously? You HAVE been living in the mountains for too long!”
Max: “Would you judge me right now if I ate my Cheerios with Guinness because we are out of milk?”
I found Willie Nelson at SXSW…(sort of)
I am too tired to post about my shenanigans at SXSW, but I will leave you with this delight from my week. It’s WILLIE NELSON MADE OUT OF TOAST! TOAST!!! It’s funny because he’s always toasted! heee hee hee
(Also, Amanda Palmer sang a song about playing the ukulele and I died but I promise to share all of the stories soon.)
SXSW! It’s the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!
There is nothing accidental about the euphoria I experience every year during SXSW! It is music perfection accompanied by lots free booze! I promise to recount the tales of my week once I am recovered. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be posting regularly on my music blog and tweeting/instagramming my every move. HAPPY SXSW EVERYONE!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
with the bands all a-playing
and everyone asking your “Who will you hear?”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With the free boozes pouring and gay fans adoring
when artists enthrall
It’s the hap-happiest season of all!
There’ll be music for dancing
dj’s for entrancing
and tacos from trucks on the street
There’ll be mandolins playing
and I will be swaying to
musicians who rock out the beat!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be much long-line waiting
and schedule debating
over who we will hear
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!
Confession of a Single Girl
(in which this probably becomes an awkward and embarrassing series about the weird single girl things I do)
Today was a long day and it was a long day on the eve of the last day before Spring Break and there’s really only one way to spend an evening after a long day that is on the eve of the last day before Spring Break when one works in a school…
Sweat pants, a giant bowl of rice krispy treats eaten with a wooden spoon, a very large glass of wine and the Broadway Tunes Pandora station on full blast.
No joke. Entire Broadway productions are being sung and choreographed in my apartment at this very moment by Cooper and me.
#somanyjazzhands