I realized last night as I listened to mouse/rat #8 raging away under my sink before eventually clawing his way off of the sticky trap (and leaving most of his hair behind), that I’ve been taking the wrong approach this this whole debacle. The current approach, of course, being crying, screaming, bludgeoning, and basically living a giant rat comedy of errors.
It clearly isn’t working.
Enter RAT ARMY! Duh! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I mean, not only are they getting larger and smarter, but my landlord has no obvious intent in doing anything about the problem, so I might as well make use of them. Rat army seems like it would be a handy thing to have.
My first order of business would be to send my rat army to gauge out the eyeballs of every writer for theknot.com (which I’ve been reading because someone thought it was a good idea to make me a maid of honor). Seriously, have you read that shit?
Second, I would hitch them up to a chariot and have them pull me the entirety of the half marathon I have signed up for. I looked into the rules and they make no mention of not being pulled via chariot with rat army. Running is hard and makes my hinges hurt.
I’ll have to figure out where they can stay considering my apartment is small and they are probably heavily diseased. Cooper’s not going to be too keen on the idea either, but I feel like I really have something here!