We’ve all had that itch that can’t be scratched. Yes, that’s the kind I’m talking about. The kind that is tucked away in the most private and inconvenient of places. The kind of itch you most definitely cannot scratch in public but you hope if maybe you cross your legs just right it will sooth that itchy burn. It never does. And even in the privacy of the bathroom, there is just no way of reaching in there to give it the kind of scratch you so desperately want.
I recently happened upon this itch when I had a bad reaction to a flowery smelling bubble bath. As a minor reaction, I didn’t have any of the nasty side-effects that can often accompany such an itch, but called the local clinic just to be safe. Except before calling I figured I should take a look down there just so I could answer any of the questions the nurse might ask about its appearance. Come to find out, I’m entirely unfamiliar with my vagina. I mean, I know what my vagina looks like, but unless there are giant green dots all over it, I have absolutely no way of knowing if anything looks ‘off’. Is that pinkishness more pinkish than usual? I’m not sure. As I sat on my bathroom floor looking at the reflection in my compact, I couldn’t help but think of that Sex and the City moment when Samantha says to Charlotte, “Honey, you don’t know what your vagina looks like?” (except that is not the actual quote. I tried to google it but mostly found creepy websites. Y’all know the episode I am talking about, right?).
The nurse didn’t care about its appearance, but recommended an over the counter cream. While I have never been the kind of girl to be embarrassed by buying tampons, I felt entirely self conscious while the old man at CVS scanned my vaginal cream. It worked and I am back to normal, though I feel a slight kinship with any woman I see uncomfortably crossing her legs with hopefulness and then disappointment in her eyes.
So this is my story. I hope I’m not the only woman out there who has sat stoically in public while contemplating how to remove her vagina and chuck it out the window. To any fella who has read up until this point, there’s really no coming back from reading this post. I’m also going to scar you even more with the Georgia O’Keeffe painting I am posting below, but it seemed fitting. My sincerest apologies.
|painting by Georgia O’Keeffe…because it seemed fitting for this post|