I’m not sure about y’all but I put a lot of time into thinking about the Zombie Apocalypse and I tell you what. I. Am. Not. Ready.
My brother and I were talking about it over Christmas and he was all “I’m not worried. Just knock out their teeth. They can’t bite and infect you if they don’t have teeth!” and then he smacked his lips together like HE had no teeth and I laughed and thought that was a good idea until I got to wondering HOW exactly I am supposed to extract teeth from a violent, raging zombie! His plan has holes.
I’ve had a string of zombie related dreams recently, which is exactly why I stopped watching Walking Dead after 1.5 episodes. That shit is stressful! Last night’s nightmare was especially anxiety ridden because it reminded me that I am not prepared to outrun a zombie. Or anything, actually because I am in pretty terrible shape. I had to run through the airport last week and I was so pathetic that the cart guy who drives around old ladies pulled over and offered me a ride. I accepted. It was very sad.
Last night as I was trying to ‘dream outrun’ (you know, when your legs are moving but your body isn’t and it is THE WORST) zombies that were after my brains and ended up finding bricks, which I used to smash in their faces. It was effective, but they also weighed a lot, so it wasn’t a good long-term solution. Also, why are things SO DAMN HEAVY in dreams?
So I woke up this morning and I was all, I’m running today because I WILL BE PREPARED! Then I looked outside and it’s raining and cold, so I will probably wait until tomorrow and brush up on this AMAZING list of Zombie Outbreak Essentials from RE in the meantime. They are easing my fears one storm proof match at a time.
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